I'm not going to make it as a writer...

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You know what - I'm having a terrible time at the moment. My confidence is underground, and I'm making myself ill thinking how I can possibly compete. I look at my work and I think "MY GOD, THAT'S TERRIBLE!".

So I'm giving up. Not in the 'ah fuck it' sort of way, because that's just pathetic - but I've just realised that I'm not going to make it as a writer. It's, frankly, beyond me.

Ah, you're waiting for the punchline. Well, you guessed kinda right - there's a bit of a punchline, or at least a proviso. But it's such a deep feeling that I mean it quite sincerely - I am giving up as a writer. But I'm not giving up forever.

What I am going to do is stop aiming so high. I'm not going to be a writer, I'm just going to be someone who writes.

I've got to get to the point where I'm enjoying what I do again; to where there's no pressure to do what I'm doing to please anyone but those who actively get drawn into my writing. Maybe this is all wishful thinking and I've been in the place I'm in so long that it's going to be impossible to change. Well, maybe. But it'd be a poor show if I didn't even try.

No, I've got to start being me again. If you like me, that's cool - some bugger's got to. Until then, it's got to be writing, writing, writing. But not as a writer.

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